“Many people, especially, ignorant people, want to punish you for speaking the truth, for being correct, for being you. Never apologise for being correct, or for being years ahead of your time. If you’re right and you know it, speak your mind. Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is still the truth.” — Gandhi
As my own Soulchology life energy card, the Knight of Swords speaks strongly of - no pun intended - voicing your truth in the face of opposition. It indicates struggle and transition along with the requirement for self-defence, courage and the power of authority to ride into battle to stick up for both yourself and others. It’s a card that depicts pure intentions, new ideas, creativity and freedom.
ï»¿This tenacious Knight evokes a heartfelt post longer than my others because along with the wholly sequential Eight of Swords, underpins the essence of my life and practice. The objective of this post is to highlight both the generational reality and energy of how this card can show up in a reading in it’s representational position, and with the intention of isolating my personal experience of it; not to offer a globalised background of my childhood that held many enjoyable elements.
I tell my story here now because for years I felt the shame of speaking up of the emotional corruption I endured, and that somehow it was my fault. That I’d brought it on myself in the way they said I had. And I also tell my story because I see in my practice countless people who have suffered similar challenges and who are still dealing with the repercussions. This post is validation; to say I hear you, see you, and understand you.
Passive aggression and criticism were a permanent feature as I grew up. From the age of around four I was punished for speaking my truth by the withholding of affection or communication. I was chastised for being the ‘me’ that didn’t align with the introverted family I had been adopted into.
Until my adopted Mother died when I was just eighteen years old, she would ignore me for quite literally weeks at a time, and during those times would take care of only the basic things a child would need. Dinners were presented silently. She’d leave the room as I entered. Conversation would stop when I was around. She would speak about me to family and neighbours who looked at me disapprovingly for my alleged disruptive behaviour. As I grew, Mum never ceased to look for ways to triangulate, manipulate and disparage who I was in an attempt to elevate her own sense of control and self worth. My childish self defence was futile.
It might be worth adding here, that I was a not a ‘trouble-maker’. Even to this day, I’ve never been ‘in trouble’. I got through school years without lines or a single detention. I didn’t revolt and certainly never behaved like others I won’t mention here. I simply didn’t fit in. My face didn’t fit. I didn’t fit in with them.
My adopted father would come back from working shifts and back-up Mum’s tales of woe despite the fact he was never present to witness any exchange, or see that I was ‘gas-lit’, and at the mercy of emotional narcissism from someone so emotionally bent out of shape, her only outlet was her metaphorical ‘punch-bag’ daughter. She was loved by everyone. Seen as quiet, kind, nurturing and caring. How could anyone see she could be anything other? Meanwhile, Dad was viewed as a loyal husband, father and upstanding citizen. Not one that condemned, judged and smacked in an attempt to physically mold me into a shape that suited them.
Being my bright, energetic and truth-driven self represented a side of themselves my adopted parents had chosen to hide. And I say ‘chosen’ because we always have choice and freewill to later, if not at the time, honour our true selves.
Their behavioural patterns had continued when Mum had married Dad, who frequently used to refer to his own mother as, “a mouse who was heavily criticised by my father.” Unfortunately neither of them would question their own experiences in order to gain an awareness of repetition, or with insight to perform differently.
I was someone who spoke her truth, who felt the pain of others, who stuck up for other kids in the playground, despite the fact that left me wide open to bullying myself to which no one came to my side. I would think clearly in the heat of any moment and see the truth of a situation with kinaesthetic and razor sharp clarity; subsequently speaking up with conviction and passion for what I inherently knew, and felt to be right, and paying the price for doing so.
Over the years, my parents continued their attempt to ‘dumb me down’ using tactics that ranged from the verbal, “no one wants to hear your voice”, to the threats of further abandonment and disownership for acting out of line with their perception of “what I deserved”, including studying for my A Levels, further education, my personal relationships, and to the physical rejection of literally ignoring me with silent treatment that at its peak, lasted seven weeks as a young child, to almost a year as an adult. Even right up until my Dad’s death, he would berate me for going on “exotic holidays” and told me “I didn’t deserve a nice house” when I bought a modest three-bed.
My point here is, the bitter resentment at me living my truth haunted their very core from the moment I arrived, to the moment they both left this world. I was a constant reminder of who they were afraid to be.
Knight of Swords Tarot: Courage In Speaking Your Mind | Honesty + Integrity | Vocal Confidence | Skill | Self Defence
Relating Chakra(s): Throat | Heart | Root
Supporting Crystals: Clear Quartz | Rhodochrosite | Rhodonite | Selenite | Dioptase | Black Tourmaline
Numerology 53/8: Manifestation With Mind Power | Eliminating Fear | Positive Intentions, Thinking + Action
Whilst I still hold the memory of what growing up within that environment has meant, I now view it with a sense of gratitude. I never talk about forgiveness, but I do promote acceptance.
As a Psychospiritual Coach, I’m aligned with looking for a positive intention behind an action, disservice or wrong-doing. There is nothing to gain from reliving agonising events long after they’ve passed, and the only pain that continues is the one that you allow to remain present. It’s in creating a new perspective that offers to transform your emotional tsunami into a puddle that instead of sweeping you away, becomes something you observe before stepping over.
Today I’m able to find compassion for my parent’s own apparent suffering which was confirmed further with the help of mediumship. I can see they hid their true selves because that’s what they were taught to do. ‘Real men don’t cry’... and all that. ‘Put up and shut up’… ‘Stiff upper lip’… etc. People that are hurting can often hurt others. Their own experiences of parental dictatorship and societal expectations had conditioned and warped their view, inhibited their lives, and instead of becoming aware, had ignorantly committed to repeating the pattern and holding themselves prisoners to their own limiting beliefs. Which is indicated incidentally, by the Eight of Swords.
It wasn’t just at home I witnessed suppression either. After my parents forced me to leave school at 16, I took unsuitable jobs with hard-edged spiteful attitudes who were out to inflict as much misery as they could on to those they deemed beneath them. Their verbally abusive manner reflected their painful inner game of hunger for their own sense of validation and self worth.
For a while my own moral compass became misdirected and I’d live out of alignment with who I knew I was. This is what hurt the most. Despite my natural tenacity and resilience, speaking up became harder and regaining my original confidence took time. But it was a path I committed to as deep within my soul, I knew I’d chosen this life path to create positive change. Discovering I was a Master Number 11 in numerology was one aspect that helped me to regain perspective and commit to my cause.
I chose a new perspective of my past and viewed those I was hurt by as ‘coaches in their own right’; dedicated to teaching me to live my truth in the face of adversity and set me on my path to helping others do the same.
I couldn’t have done this without experiencing the pain of what it was like to live without unconditional love and support. I was to break the generational pattern of rejection that ran through both my adopted and birth families, and learn from brutal experience that withholding your truth will hurt you in the worst possible way.
If your presence has been suppressed, you may find you’re prone, but not limited to;
• fearing authority
• misalignment with innate moral compass
• anger and/or withdrawal
• feel a physical ‘plum stone’ style blockage in your throat
• suffer from headaches and/or migraines
• hormonal irregularity
• digestive issues
I choose to exemplify the positive aspects of my parent’s behaviour and additionally employ the concepts of Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages with my own two sons, ensuring they will always receive unconditional love, affection and communication that honours who they are. This is in sharp contrast to my own experiences of conditional love based on how well I performed in the view of my parent’s distorted expectations.
My sons are celebrated for their individuality, and who communicate their own love and kindness in very different but important ways. Difference of opinions are heard and talked about before finding solutions that demonstrate respect and maturity.
Whilst the Victorian ‘seen and not heard’ era is long behind us, society today is still sweeping up the after effects of the emotional earthquake that this kind of trauma created. And I’m committed to doing as much as I can for the generations that are still suffering from the aftershock. And that includes providing my parents with a voice they can no longer have in honouring their own suppressed challenges.
The Knight of Swords’ energy is harnessed in my holistic practice and in sharing this element of my own story, I attempt to display the root of my passion in assisting you with your communication, self expression and healing both from the emotional and physical effects of personality assassination, assisting you in your conquest for validation and soul evolution.
“What lies in the potential of speaking your truth? By putting aside your emotional feelings for a moment, what could you learn from an alternate perspective? How might the background of the person that hurt you, affect how they feel and their subsequent behaviour?” — Alison Jeavons | Soulchology